Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Cap-A-Pie Me

I have decided that I am going to be extremely selfish for the next couple weeks because 1. It’s always good for a girl to reaffirm herself periodically and 2. It’s always good for a woman to learn more about herself, sans other people’s problems. Being horizontal and sick for a full week will definitely give you time to think about what you want to accomplish in life, how many apples you have in the fridge and when the hell SpongeBob is coming on all day again. Besides being bored, I sketched out a clearer (though not exactly clear) path for my career, my “like” life and all the stuff people my age are supposed to be thinking about, including the colossal “where I want to be in the next five years.” Not that you care or anything…

Things I learned about me while sick last weekend (Vol. 1)

I LOVE Girlfriends. No I’m not bisexual. I’m talking about the TV show! With Diana Ross’ daughter Tracee Ellis Ross and the sistas going through life successful and unsuccessful in love, life and business. Thank the black stars for BET on Saturday night, though I’m usually dippin’ it low at some nightspot, I was watching Joan and Toni work out the problems in their friendship. I kind of related to Joan, the kind of over-achieving, neurotic, yet sensible friend that is everybody’s Dr. Phil except her own. It was so refreshing to see the show explore the dynamics of black women’s relationships. I laughed, I cried, I high-fived myself. Besides, Ms. Ross, like her momma, has the dopest hair in primetime.

Natural hair is more versatile than people think. Before I went natural up top, I remember thinking that I would be looking like Jackie Jackson for the rest of my life, unless I wanted to press my hair. Now, after a year of having natural hair, I think I’ve had more hairstyles now than I did with the relaxer. Though a dope ass wrap is one of the best things in the world, so are little twisties, a style I’m rocking now. All I do is take some Aveda Pomade and twist my hair around my fingers…it’s like two hairstyles in one. Once the twisties get fuzzy, I take them out and they look curly and cute. Girls with perms always say they wish they could do their hair like mine. The most important thing about natural hair I’ve learned is: I can be straight and curly; with a relaxer, you can only be straight.

Boys are stupid. Now before you men all go out and start the blue ghetto (by the way, I am waiting for someone to ask me what the pink ghetto means) and bash chicks, let me explain. Boys are…different. What they have and how they communicate is dependent on women, and vice versa. If I wasn’t caring, intuitive and nurturing, I wouldn’t process 75 percent of the stuff my crush says. And if he wasn’t logical, witty and non-judgmental, I would be rolling on the floor, dragging by his leg. So men need women, one woman, that really understands them…if not they end up looking stupid.

James needs a sedative. Or some Prozac. Or some weed. What James am I talking about? James Evans, from phuckin’ Good Times. That man makes me so jumpy and nervous, and he’s at least three decades away! What is he so mad about? Florida wants to get a GED…he’s yelling and shit. He brings a gun in the house that gets lost…he’s yelling and shit. JJ walks into the room…he’s yelling and shit. I know you live in the projects and times are hard. But you’re gonna give somebody a panic attack with all that damn yelling. I do not like yelling ass people.

Mo’Betta makes it Mo’Badder. I was watching Mo’ Betta Blues this weekend, and came to the conclusion that sex is bad. Sex is bad and it messes up everything. Think of everything you’ve ever done bad in your life (I can wait). Now think of how close sex was to the vicinity of your situation. In the movie, Bleek almost loses his love because he’s boning a light-skin chick and his career because of sex…well he almost dies because of being loyal to a friend that he shouldn’t have. I think men have that problem more than women. If your girlfriend braids your hair the wrong way, you would drop that bitch like she was a Lean Cuisine at Monique’s FAT Chance. But men, they will ride or die for the most trifling and ignorant friends, because that’s the way they are. Anyways, the point was sex is bad. I watched Team America too, and those puppets folded each other like origami...that was bad! And if you find yourself in a jam, please don’t have sex…it won’t make things mo’betta.

And I’m sure I learned more, but I don’t want to bore you with it. It’s always good to do a self-check sometimes and remember how tolerable and fun you can be. If you can’t tolerate yourself, nobody else will be able to.


At 11:27 PM, Blogger Midlife Crisis said...

LMAO. Funny the observations we come to when we have a moment to ponder...excellent!

At 3:49 PM, Anonymous dawndiva said...

funny stuff

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