Thursday, August 25, 2005

I Want My MTV

So the MTV Awards are on Sunday night. In case you haven’t watched in a couple years, these awards are the better-schooled biracial cousin to the BET Awards. You can see a list of all the festivities surrounding the event at a totally annoying website that will surely make you seasick. Well, since the list of nominees rivals the descendants of Abraham, and I haven’t seen half of the videos nominated anyway, I’ll throw out a couple of my own predictions. Don’t call Vegas quite yet.

Artists that need not to perform
Okay, MTV can ride a song until the wheels and the axels fall off, and award time can be the worst. Madonna is too old and fragile to ever sing again at the MTV Awards…retire your pointy bra and white wedding dress, please. And because I am still bitter about the Hey Ya! abuse we had to endure a year or two ago, I don’t want Andre 3000 to ever sing that song again in a public place. I don’t care of he’s humming it walking down the street.

Male artist most likely to dress like a lady
The cats from G.O.O.D. Music got this on lock, as they are rocking more pastels than Easter service. Common, Kanye and John Legend are really taking the non-gangster thing to another level with their attention to detail. But Usher may “come out” with some vivid, form-fitting power suit to shock us all.

Female artist most likely to dress like a hoe
As far as award shows go, the MTV Awards are like Forever 21: trendy but cheap. So the women haven’t yet mastered the art of being sexy without looking like a hoe. Nominees include: Jessica Simpson, Lindsay Lohan, Mariah Carey and whoever comes with 50 Cent.

Couple most likely to overdo it
Getting out the limo together is enough to show you are official, but I’m sure somebody will actually be dressing alike. I guess it cuts down on the amount of lost celebrities at the end of the night. Nick Cannon and Christina Milian will no doubt be vying for the spots left vacant with Jay-Z’s and DC3’s retirements. Bow Wow and Ciara will look like a match made in L.A. Reid’s office, I’m sure.

Song I’m most likely to start liking just because I seen it on the MTV Awards
Speed of Sound by Coldplay.

Best videos nominated
Best video means the video that best expresses the artistic vision of the song, assuming that there is some type of vision in the first place. This is very different from best song because a lot of good songs have crappy videos. Ordinary People by John Legend is a good video because it has that “fly-on-the-wall” scenes (hence the fly at the end) that expresses the ordinariness that the song talks about. Don’t Phunk With My Heart by the Black Eyed Peas is a good concept that totally masks the wackness of the song (I know, I said I liked it before, but I was blinded by the awesome video…good job marketing team!). Go by Common is a good video because it talks about sex in a non-overt way. I didn’t even know what the song was talking about until I seen the video. Mosh by Eminem is haunting, futuristic, cinematic and makes me want to beat somebody’s ass all at the same time.

Worst videos nominated
Wider camera angles and glossier hoes don’t constitute better videos. And unfortunately rappers need to step up their game when it comes to this category. I don’t know if I hate Wait( The Whisper Song) by Ying Yang Twins because they suck, or they tried to get “grown and sexy” in a Ma$e-style video. We Belong Together by Mariah Carey sucks because every video she has had lately features her boxy frame sulking, pouting and “dancing” to some unoriginal concept. Jesus Walks by Kanye West is a concept that did waaaaaay too much in all three of the videos. I don’t know if Kanye or Jesus is the savior of the video. Lose My Breath by Destiny’s Child is a dance-off gone wrong, thanks to Tina Knowles’ wack designs and too much sashay shontae by Beyonce and nem.

Hottest performances
Even though it seems like I’ve hated on him this whole post, I think Kanye West will probably give the hottest performance, as long as it isn't Jesus Walks. Hopefully Kelly Clarkson will shake that last bit of Idol fever with a hot performance too.

Performances most likely to suck
I am betting on a live-action Trapped in the Closet by R. Kelly and a sex romp by 50 Cent.


At 1:45 PM, Anonymous bellaDawn said...

i wonder will we c a luther vandross tribute??
maybe a lil kim prison send off??

maybe martha stewart will stop by & give lil kim prison advice...

u never know what mtv has n store huh? ((smile))

At 10:05 PM, Anonymous grayse said...

If it wasnt so late and I wasnt so tired, I could probably think of something witty to add. But I cant. LOL.

Good list!

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