Monday, October 10, 2005

Today's Confidence Level: 2.5

I am feeling low today. My plants are dying, despite my attention. I need to get them new pots, but they aren’t getting as much sun as they did this summer, and they are turning yellow. I tried to tell them I have the same problem when the weather changes, that I hate not having sun too…but they don’t care.

I don’t get too much reaction from my writing…outside of the editors who have to correct it. 95 percent of people I know don’t read my shit. 4.5 skim through it. And of the .5 that read it, I don’t know what they think because they don’t tell me. When I used to cover hard news, I used to have people tell me ‘oh, that’s a nice story.’ And I’d be thinking to myself…this story is about babies dying, how is that nice. But maybe I’m a special breed of person who follows reporters I like, notice writing styles and f’ed up interviews and likes to talk to authors and shit. Most people read through an entire newspaper in less than 15 minutes. For me it takes at least a whole day.

My hair is very cute though. I am rocking the twist out after having it twisted for about a week. Thanks to my new blogger buddy DF, I have a whole new outlook on my hair! I was feeling low, seeing all these longhaired chicks looking all beautiful this weekend. It’s been more than a year since I’ve been natural, and I swear men pass me up like New Coke for the long wavys…

I hate seeing ex-girlfriends of guys I like. I seen the ex of a guy I like this weekend, and she is so beautiful. There is a coalition of light-skinned, longhaired girls that are really trying to ruin my life! I am jealous, won’t even front. Big beautiful eyes, nice little shape. So looking at her, and my dismal weight loss initiatives (I’ve lost seven pounds in the last two weeks, which is good, but part of my problem is that I’m impatient…but we’ll get to that in a minute) makes me compare myself to every other girl I see, which is taking my confidence no where.

So what I want is for my plants to live, to continue losing weight, to try some new hairstyles and to move more of my writing. I may be a little impatient with myself, because it has never taken me this long to establish any other habits in my life. I may be a little selfish, because I have this constant need for approval…that was once filled my writing but is now near-zero as a freelancer. I need a Red Bull full of confidence right now.


At 1:40 PM, Anonymous BELLADAWN said...


At 2:50 PM, Blogger Genesis said...

i have to co-sign to you. i get like that when i see light & curly haired girls. i know a girl...who sometimes makes me feel self conscious...shes light skinned with wavy hair...not as pretty as she would like to think. she gets a lot of attention because she is light and curly, and she thinks she cute, but she really isnt.

im a medium brown (think lil bow wow), and i have dredlocks.

i like my hair a lot...cause it's low maintenance. sometimes i wish i naturally did have hair that was all down my back and all that shit.

anyways, i thought i was the only one that felt that way.


At 3:47 PM, Blogger GC (God's Child) said...

I have a friend who met her significant other while she was rockin' a 'fro. And I promise you, she did not have the patience to work with it like you probably do. And let me tell you, he is still with her now. He is gorgeous, intelligent and he is a Christian.

He was as disappointed as I was when she went back to relaxing her hair and keeps asking her when she's going to go natural again. And she is far from light & curly. Don't let shallow boys get you down.

At 8:28 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Donna,

Be encouraged for the race is not given to the swift, nor the strong, nor those light skinned hoes. It's given to those of us who endure, who constantly strive for perfection, or at least something that resembles it. Chin Up Homie.

At 11:19 AM, Anonymous Anita said...

Head up, my sista girl with a natural! I don't always comment; however, I do read your stuff and girl, you are the bomb! Know this. And phuck any and every body who ain't wit 'cho program. Your natural blackness is beautiful and authentic, and with a little more livin' and learnin', you will grow to truly understand and appreciate that. And those light-skinned(ed), wavy-haired girls are pretty too. The two exist side by side. There is no better and no worse. Both are cool. Don't let the phucked-up-ness of this world and the still-lingering confusion that many of us brown people of all shades still contend with over "skin color" shit on your wonderfulness. Yous bes baaad, my sista. Life in our society in particular, surrounds us with information and images which only add to our inherent insecurity/self-doubt-as-we-are-struggling-to-find-our-true-self quest. The blessing is that as you mature (aka continue to age) you will shed more and more of the bullshit like snakeskin as your true self continues to emerge and evolve. So, go 'head and be blue for today if that's where you are, just don't stay there too long. Get back out there as soon as you can and shine your light so brightly that it burns muthaphucka's eyes out.

Peace, Love, Joy & Blessings

Your Bald-headed Brown Sista

At 6:24 PM, Blogger Midlife Crisis said...

I admire your honesty. About the hair thing...I cut my hair off and had a low natural when I was still in high school. That was my first incarnation of natural hair. Black men were not feeling me. But Whites and Latinos LOST THEIR FRIGGIN MINDS. *laughing* I needed a bodyguard, for real!

But it just goes to show that it is not worth having to put up with the demands of a subculture that has been raised to believe 'lighter and longer' is better.

There are men out there who will appreciate and love a real Black woman--not just a 'tanned white woman' but they are probably not to be found at gatherings that attract the shallow.

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