Monday, December 05, 2005

10 Break Commandments

"But if they ever flip sides like Anakin
You'll sell everything includin the mannequin
They got a new bitch now you Jennifer Aniston
Hold on I'll handle it, don't start panickin, stay calm
Shorty's at the door cause they need more
Inspiration for they life, they souls, and they songs
They said sorry Mr. West is gone!"

Gone, Kanye West

What a weird lyric for a break up post...naw, read it again. I'll wait.

First off I want to shout out a couple of people that have held me down over my ordeal within the last week. My nig PTosh for lending her ear (and my cute little Godbaby to make me laugh). My nig Reuzilla for being big brother. My nig Naton, even though he keeps me up waaay too late on Sunday nights, he took my cigarettes away and let me bitch and moan, so that's whatsup. My sis Dawn for helping me build my confidence up.

So last week I decided I should make an effort to end a torrid love affair, and it was hard. Weighing good and bad, sex and lonliness and all the other good things men have to offer is daunting. And for the record, I think it's really phucked up for somebody to start playing with your emotions in the winter time. I mean, this is the time of year made for nights at home, laying up all day. There should be some kind of rule that people can't leave you between November and St. Patrick's Day (John Mayer wrote a song about it, I say we put that on the ballot).

After agonizing over the relationship, i decided to put together some rules about how to successfully (and with class) clear yourself from a dude. Kind of like Biggie's Ten Crack Commandments, but with minimal drug references.

1. Weigh your options. You could be PMSing. Or like me, overly emotional. So sift that and the clear signs that your man is either cheating, uninterested or just a club-head loser. From my experience, men aren't unsure...they either want you or they don't. Considering this is a break up post(and it's about me), you've decided to axe this nigga, so onto the next step...

2. Crying. Hard. For long periods of time. Between lunch breaks, poems, "your song" anytime you hear it (even if it's something like Spread by Andre 3000). Call him and yell...he'll call you and yell. Agonize when he doesn't answer that he's with somebody else. All the time wonder if you are sure you made the right decision.

3. Doubt yourself. Call the nigga. Offer to cook dinner and give him some ass. Or pretend like you need something stupid like laundry detergent, a toothbrush or a CD. Since this a break up post (and it's about me) the guy will either flake you off or be really uninterested when he's with you.

4. Call your exes. Especially the one that is still in love with you. He'll make you feel pretty, but will also remind you of your poor choicing skills in men, which will probably make you cry some more. Notify him to clear the bench because there is a new member in the elite club of your exes. Your ex will probably become very defensive because your crying over somebody else and say that nigga ain't shit. You remind him of all the times he made you cry and hang up...whatever you do, DON'T sleep with him! (This plan does not include rebound sex!)

5. Get busy. Go do stuff. Call people you haven't called in a while. Call your girlfriends, be happy for the settled ones, bitch with the single ones. Go places alone, and make yourself company. Go out, eat cheesecake and roll around in your freedom. Because you are an independant black queen who don't need a man for shit!

6. Cry it out, bitch! Because after all that freedom talk, you still hate climbing the stairs, turning the key and nobody being there. So give yourself a couple days (preferably a weekend) to hole up and cry. Make a sad CD that includes Green Eyes by Erykah Badu, anything by Mary J. Blige (however, leave Keyshia Cole out of this...we are not trying to get bitter ladies), Song Cry by Jay-Z, Ex-Factor by Lauryn Hill. Also shit that makes you hopeful that shit will work out like Unbreakable by Alicia Keys, Until You Come Back To Me by Aretha Franklin and Let's Stay Together by Al Green.

Get in your bed, get some wine and between crying bouts, watch a TV show marathon. At this point you should not be talking to dude, you are very vulnerable and this guy knows where you live, your house/cell phone number and everyway to for real contact you. If he wanted you (and not just for club directions at 1 a.m.) he would be there.

7. Emmerge. Now, that last step took me about three hardcore days. It may take less, may take longer. If you are crying for more than five days, shit I don't know what to tell you besides stop. You new man don't like red eyes. Call people and let them know you didn't slit your wrist or drive into a tree. Be interested in their day instead of going over the intensity of your crying or the nightmare you had about him and some other woman (I had one Saturday night, it was AWFUL!). Eat something, take a shower, go outside. See, the world did go on after him!
***At this point, you may be feeling better, but don't so anything silly like calling dude and telling him how much better you are without him or going some place to bump into him. You aren't that stable yet, bitch! You're going to fuck around and end up at step 3 again. So just sit in the thought of not crying for awhile. You're not ready for your fuck'em dress yet.

8. Pass the test. Sometime between emmerging and the next step, dude will probably get a hold of you. He never thought you were ever serious about really cutting him off, because you are a softie, so he may be concerned. And he'll probably want to talk about some shit, I mean, you didn't date a complete asshole and he may not hate you (if matters are a difference of opinion) you probably just get on his damn nerves for one reason or another. So this is where you have to pass the test.

Now, I'm not the kind of woman that says fuck it, don't ever give second chances. If your man is sorry, he'll say stuff like:

Fuck the past, lets work on the future. I don't care about who's right and who's wrong, I just want to be with you...

If he's not sorry and he's just horny, hungry, lonely or just wants you to shut the fuck up, he'll say stuff like:

Give me a list of things to do so you can stop complaining. I've just been letting you talk because I know you like that shit. I don't even like talking about this stuff.

Don't cry, don't beg. Just be real about your expectations. Think about the best times you spent with this nigga and think about the three days you spent rolling in the floor singing How Come You Don't Call Me Anymore by Prince. Know that both are experiences that will probably happen again. Also consider that you may be the jerk in the situation. At this point there is nothing to lose, come to the table with honesty. If you feel like you need this guy, say it. If you need to apologize, do it. If your guy isn't good with words and you can feel the sorrow, accept it. But since this post is about breaking up (and it's about me) then...

9. Fuck that nigga. Some things are just a difference of opinion. But when a person chooses not to be considerate and chooses being sarcastic and a jerk, like the ambitious Lil Kim, "you cut that nigga off and find someone new." Classy broads don't come around anymore. Broaden your social circle and avoid this guy. Because I don't believe you'd be ready to run into him and his rebound chick or see him looking fly. Keep in touch with your real friends and let that nigga go. If he misses you, he knows where to find you. And if he's sorry he'll evaluate his behavior. If he's horny, hungry or lonely, he'll text message you, call you after midnight or be a jerk hoping to get a rise out of you.
***I will post a list of suggested listening material (AKA The Fuck You CD) later.

10. Love youself. The best thing dude told me was to never become dependant on anyone for my emotional wellness. And that's whatsup. So learn your lesson. Listen to your theme song (mine, Certainly by Erykah Badu). Don't bad mouth him...well, only to a chosen few. Smile at people, sit up straight, wear your hottest red clothes. Build up your confidence and do you. Because when your new guy comes along, he doesn't want to hear a story about how you drug out a six month break up with an inconsiderate loser. He wants to he that you had a relationship, had differences and decided to go on and be mature about it...No slashed tires, rebounds and keying cars. Ghetto Girls are too good for that.


At 1:56 PM, Blogger Daddy's Girl said...

I am so happy that you are the more mature friend. You know me, I tried to run this cat off the road and didn't think twice about it. You're lucky that you don't have any baby daddy drama. If you haven't already heard it, listen to Here We Go by Trina featuring Kelly Rowland. You lucky you didn't get that tattoo, like myself. Like Tupac said, "KEEP YA HEAD UP!"

At 2:27 PM, Blogger Anita said...

Baby girl:

In so many ways, you are wise beyond your years, and your writing often reflects that. I went through a bad divorce a few years ago(I could tell you some stories) and I didn't learn some of the things you write about until after the fact. Read "In the Meantime" and "Yesterday I Cried" by Iyanla Vanzant -- amazing books I still refer to now. They will be wonderful aids through your process.

Let the past be the past and move forward...your best stuff is waiting there. One thing I've learned in my years and through my tears is that a man who truly loves you, will seldom, if ever, make you cry. And people -- ALL people -- will find a way to do whatever it is they really want to do. If a man wants you, wants to be good to you, he will move heaven and earth to do so.

I'm glad you are doing whatever you need to do to be good to you and you have chosen to stop being involved in a situation that does not "feed" you. Like J. Anthony Brown says, "why would you keep goin' to an empty refrigerator expecting to get somethin' to eat?" Honey, you will get you a new fridge, and when you do, make sure it comes stocked with all your favorite foods.

Love yourself and the rest will follow...


At 3:40 PM, Blogger DM said...

@daddy's girl. I'll leave the BMD to you and Fantasia...luckily I don't have any of that! But I am the most overly emotional person ever, and I think taking time to think about whether you really feel something, or you are just embarrassed or something could curtail some of that are too smart for that, girl!

@Anita...oh, you make me feel so grown! I read both of those books when I was a teenager, so I'm up on that emotional game! I don't hate dude, I 'm just happy he can pursue being happier and I can too! Thanks for the encouragement.

At 1:09 AM, Blogger GC (God's Child) said...

Good bye and good riddance to whomever had you feeling so bad. I must congratulate you for a very hands-on, honest, down-to-earth breakup. You know some of us would have made like the vapor-trail and then had mad issues crop up in therapy three years later.
Good-lookin' out working it through like that.

At 1:10 AM, Blogger edmabrey said...

Ok, so I will do what most cats (as in men) would not do in this instance-speak up.

While I wish you well always and do not know the interior of this situation, I will say this-you are young.
That means take time and really get to know YOU. I repeat, get to know YOU.
While self-awareness is not a cure all for meeting bad people nor getting into bad situations, it does go a long way to give you (as in people) pause usually long enough to let your pratical side of the brain catch up with that roller coaster that is the "emoting" or "love" side of the brain. (like the side that after a moment or two taps you on the shoulder and says "do you really want to wear THAT out?" and you find yourself changing into the outfit you know in your heart you should have picked in the first place?
(thought i would throw in a clothing analogy for you since i know you are about your fashion) ;)

I say this now to not only you Donna, but to anyone out there reading this- take your time. Meet people, get to know them, meet more people, get to know them too. Be upfront and honest to a brutal level while maintaining a naked level of sincerity and vulnerability in your own lifestyle, speech, and manner.
Pursue the things that will make you a better person for YOU, not for MR. or MRS.-Down-theRoad...that's just not how it works.

I will come back on here in another 24 hours and post a new and improved version of what to do after the dreaded break up. (and no, listening to "Is This The End" by New Edition will NOT be on the list)

**ok now Sidenote for Anita- a man better make you cry girl. crying is just your bodies way of saying things your mind can't find the words for. So something sweet he says, something mean he says and didn't mean to, a kiss that makes you believe in God again, love making, a poem, a look, a wonderful date night that seems so perfect you don't want it to end,him doing something stupid and you catching him, the first time you just sit together in the quiet and do nothing at all...shit. I think that if he don't get a tear or two from you from time to time, then he AIN'T doing his job right.

but that's just me and what do i know. i am typing on someone else's blogspot at one something in the morning. :)

At 11:13 AM, Blogger Miz JJ said...

Great list. I always follow my mom's advice. Living well is the best revenge. If you are happy and don't give a fuck about their punk asses anymore it drives them crazy. Suggestion for the fuck you CD: I Use to Love Him by Lauryn Hill & Mary J Blige. I played this all the time after one break up.

At 1:29 PM, Anonymous belladawn said...

im glad u got some great insights, & i could help u out.. life is 2 short 2b hung up & lettin some 1 else disturb ur peace.. get that dirt of ya shoulders!

At 11:39 AM, Blogger Anita said...

@Donna...girl, I wish I had those books in high school, but alas, Iyanla didn't share her pain w/us until a few years later. I don't want you to be mad at whoever he was, I just want you to have peace for you.

@Ed...ditto pretty much everything you said. My point about a man making you cry though, addresses men who abuse you and your feelings. That definitely ain't a good thing.

I feel you on the stuff you were talking about though, and DEFINITELY want a man who can "do his job" as you say. Hmm, a man who makes me weep with joy?...and I look forward to the day I cry and curl my toes at the same time. :-)

At 9:12 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thanks Donna for your wonderful words of wisdom! I have been going through the whole brake up thing and it has been extremely difficult to deal with. I think it is hard for me because we work together and I see him and his chick all the time out in the city. I am praying strength daily and hoping that I meet someone who loves, respects and appreciates me...

At 5:45 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Enjoyed a lot! » »


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