Friday, December 30, 2005

Best of 2005 Entertainment

It’s the most wonderful time of the year! Time for us no-talent critics to rake over the last year’s highs and lows with a fine tooth comb. Lots to cover, so let’s get to it!

Smartest Song
Ordinary People, John Legend. This song is like your mother nagging you when you were 10, and becoming 20 and knowing she was right. When I first heard, I instantly rejected the idea of people all going through the same experiences. But then I fell for an ordinary person and went through a real ordinary ordeal. And it was true. Shout outs to John Legend for capturing such a raw moment in relationships.

Dumbest Song
My Humps, Black Eyed Peas. Is it just me, or did you thing this song was about breast cancer? One in the new genre of “cell phone ringer songs.” Besides, Fergie has about as much humps as a table.

White People’s Black Song Of The Year (OTY)
Golddigger, Kanye West w/ Jaime Foxx. This song has everything White people like: a snappy little dance (the head snap), a catch phrase (We want pre-nup!) and it’s smart enough to fit right into pop culture.

Black People’s White Song OTY
Hollaback Girl, Gwen Stefani. This song has everything Black people like: drums, call and response and excessive cussing (she says shit 38 times).

Most Honest Song OTY
Again, Faith Evans. The only thing Faith didn’t talk about in this tell all was her affair with ‘Pac. But she keeps it real, and for that we forgive her drug abuse problem! Take notes, Whitney Houston.

Bitter Broad OTY
Keyshia Cole. This chick must have been held hostage by a dude in another life or something. If it wasn't hating on a nigga, she was allegedly starting beef with Fantasia on the Kanye West tour. Now why would you start beef with somebody who can't read? She’s too damn young to be this bitter…all that stress must be the cause of the skunk hair in the front of her head.

Artists I Missed This Year
The Gorillaz
Little Brother
I’m just now hearing The Gorillaz joint, and I promise to get around to those other bangers in January. Promise.

Artists I’m Glad I Missed This Year
Young Jeezy
50 Cent
I am still glad to say that I have yet to hear a 50 Cent CD…when I say I don’t patronize, I don’t patronize.

Beyonce Knock-Off OTY
Amerie. Chick replaced horns with drums and made Crazy in Love ’05…AKA One Thing.

Song With The Most Words OTY
What The Fuss, Stevie Wonder. Dang Stevie, I bet Twista couldn’t even hang with these lyrics!

Where Were You in ’05?
The Clipse
Jay Z (Raise a hand if you thought the retirement was a hoax? I just knew a new album was coming.)
Maxwell (I heard rumors of his homoerotic CD being pushed back, who knows where this cat is?)

Non-Couple OTY
Ciara and Bow Wow (Who do you think wears the pants in this relationship? I say L.A. Reid.)
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes (This is the kind of PR stunt they taught us in college.)

Couple OTY
Beyonce and Jay-Z. After peeping her new video and all those gymnastic moves, I just want to know what Jay is doing to her in the bedroom…damn!

Most Distasteful TV Lap Dance
Destiny’s Child. Where is Matthew Knowles when you need him? Between Beyonce’s hippo booty and Michelle grinding on a married (and diseased) man with commitment issues, what was DC3 thinking? Does anybody remember Nelly and Kelly at all?

Pajama Pants OTY
They guy that made red leather jackets, rhinestone socks and losing a glove infamous tried his best to set a trend and show up to court with loungewear on.

Craziest TV Shows OTY
Andy Milonakis (Dude (or woman (can you have more than one parenthesis in one sentence? (I don’t know?))) fell off so bad when it was revealed that the pudgy faced “youngster” was actually 30. Where is he now?)

Strange Love (Just the idea of Flavor Flav doing anything besides fighting the power is unsettling to me. The idea of him romancing big white broads is so anti-P.E. I’m surpised Chuck D hasn’t had him lynched by now.)

Media Whore OTY
50 Cent. For doing hoe activities (dating fellow media whore Vivica Fox) with hoe tendencies (trying to get his name associated with everything from Mobb Deep, Hurricane Katrina to Kanye’s success). Hoes are his friends (former pastor, future hell curator Ma$e. Is it just me, or are these guys the hip hop version of Brokeback Mountain?), hoes are his enemies (gang-banger turned butterfly-lover The Game).

Reality Show OTY
Hurricane Katrina coverage. Who would have thought that racism that blatant would be shows for days on TV. Kanye said what us folks have known since dude’s been in office: “George Bush doesn’t care about Black people.”

I’ll see you guys on the other side of ’05. Until then no drunk driving, mixing liquors is cool but waking up not knowing who’s draws are on your ceiling fan isn’t, so stay safe!