Friday, December 23, 2005

Dear Santa,

I don’t believe in you. But since it is Christmas Eve-Eve and I really need some new stuff, I figured I’d shoot you a holler and see what happens. You know, I never really understood why people work all year round (or apply for all those credit cards) to get presents for people and attribute it to an old, white man. Nothing against white, old people or anything.

I have been…meh…this year. As far as good things, you know, I saved that puppy from being swept in a tornado. And then it was that sea urchin I wrestled from that alligator. And let’s not forget about the tasteful way I handled my ex boyfriend (who was at the time my then-boyfriend) who popped up with a five month old baby who looked Korean. I know, these are all lies, but you are fake anyways, so who cares.

As far as bad things, well, there was that time I pissed in my co-workers Ramen noodles for telling my boss I was late. And I know I got style points taken off for taking body shots out of my exes’ best friend at that party. But you know, I can’t be blamed for starting that Internet rumor about that girl who successfully stole my new man…just as you are the man that delivers all good will, I am the dispenser of karma. Finally nice to meet you.

More than lip gloss, CDs I could’ve burned but I wanted to “support the artist” and toys to use on my too infrequent sex partners, I need a good dose of Christmas cheer on December 25. Because, let’s face it between the Chronicles of Bush going on overseas, Hurricane Katrina and that Bushwick Bill-mind-is-playing-tricks-on-me sensation I’ve been feeling lately, I could use a little love.

Hey, maybe I should be directing this letter to somebody who can do something about my dilemmas instead of a made-up, pagan symbol of Euro-dominance. So when (and if) you are on your way spreading toys, lies and other communicable diseases, if you pass by Jesus, put in a good word for me.


p.s. If you are really watching me when I’m sleeping and know when I’m awake, then I hope you weren’t offended by that movie I was watching the other night…despite what it looked like, those three girls weren’t playing leap frog with that impressively endowed guy. Scratch all of the Christmas cheer, if you could send me some of that on Sunday that would be great.


At 2:16 PM, Anonymous belladawn said...

ho ho ho

At 9:10 AM, Blogger The Humanity Critic said...

Happy Holidays!!

At 7:20 PM, Blogger BBB_0202020 said...

Happy Holidays and you have been a bad girl, this year but I'm pretty sure it was worth it!!!

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