Thursday, December 22, 2005

The Nightmare Before Christmas Has A Soundtrack


I don’t know about you, but I’m just not in the Christmas spirit at all this year. What the Christmas spirit is, I’m not really sure anyways. Probably some creation from WalMart of Macy’s to get people to spend money. But the older and more snarkier I get, the less into holidays I am.

The absolute worse part of the Christmas season, to me, is Christmas music. This stems from being in college and working at a real estate office that tuned into a radio station that played Xmas from Thanksgiving to Dec. 25. Or the fact that I was in the show choir (believe it or not) in high school, so we started the school year singing Xmas, Hanukkah and whatever songs until New Year’s. Every store you enter this time of you, you are attacked by some heathen pop singer crooning over Jesus or shopping or getting Xmas ass. Everybody has a Xmas album…Ashanti, Destiny’s Child, Faith, The Cheetah Girls want you to have a Cheetah-licious Xmas. When Jesus was dying on the cross, I’m sure the last thing he was thinking was that his birthday would be described by a fake Disney girl group.

This sounds so bitter, I know. And I’ll probably come off looking like Scrooge McDuck, but who cares! Here is my list of the most pretentious, awful Xmas renditions.

In Love at Christmas, K-Ci & Jo Jo
Nobody wants to hear these guys screaming and carrying on on Jesus’ birthday. This song is doing too much.

This Christmas, Usher
Usher just wants a reason to get on with a chick…I never understood why this song doesn’t appall more people. Christmas isn’t a time for trying to ‘get to know anybody better’ but God. I know this is the black national anthem behind Lift Every Voice and Sing, but this song is wack.

Christmastime Again, Ashanti
Because Ashanti sounds like a wet blanket…only this time she prancing around in the snow.

Doesn’t it Feel Like Christmas, Destiny’s Child
When Jesus was crucified, unfortunately for him he couldn’t get a belly ring instead, Beyonce.

All I Want For Christmas is You, Mariah Carey

What happened to good will towards men and all of that…or maybe this is a love song to Jesus.

Let It Snow, Boyz II Men
Another I want to sex you up for Christmas song…

Player’s Ball, Outkast
Not because the song is wack…but because it has nothing to do with Xmas and the version featured on the LaFace Family Christmas album has bells ringing in the background.

Santa Baby, Anybody who sings it
This song is about doing it to Santa. If that isn’t the most disturbing vision I’ve ever though about, I don’t know what is.

The Chipmunk Christmas Song, Alvin and the Chipmunks
OK, phuck you if this song brings back fond memories of your youth…it makes me want the ear disease Foxy Brown has for Christmas.

Feliz Navidad, Anybody who sings it
I know Latinos are “in” and everything, and us Americans really should learn Spanish. But this song makes it even too easy for lazy Americans. Next time you write a Christmas song make sure it has more words in it that “I want to wish you a Merry Christmas from the bottom of my heart.” It’s like a greeting card that takes five minutes to read.

Honorable mention

Dogs barking/cats meowing Christmas carols
Anybody who has worked in an office hates this...I’d rather be shot in the foot than hear this crap.

8 Comments:

At 3:52 PM, Blogger Funky D said...

Did you just diss the Jingle Cats? Daaaamn. I can take criticism of the Chipmunks and the lame "Christmas coating" of Player's Ball, but this just ain't right. The Jingle Cats are the TRUTH.

 
At 8:32 PM, Blogger BBB_0202020 said...

I agree with you wholeheartedly on this. I mean as soon as the turkey gets in the oven on Thanksgiving thats when the Xmas crap begins. It makes me think how I wanted earplugs when I used to work in retail when I was younger. The only thing worse than these corny Xmas songs are the Xmas toys they used to put on the register and the kids used to always touch them to make Xmas sounds. AAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

 
At 9:30 PM, Anonymous Panama Jackson said...

Now I'll admit Usher's REMAKE of the song is garbage, but did you just outwardly diss Donny Hathaway's original Christmas classic "This Christmas"??? That song is great. Donny didn't put his name on any garbage.

*throwing rocks at you*

 
At 10:54 AM, Blogger GC (God's Child) said...

I LIKE the animals singing christmas songs--for about two minutes.

 
At 11:06 AM, Blogger DM said...

Just added to the list: Keyshia "I should have cheated on you but since I didn't Merry Christmas" Cole singing Silent Night.

 
At 2:20 PM, Anonymous belladawn said...

man this list is so funny.. though i am glad tlc didnt make the list w/sleigh ride.

yeah doin it 2 santa is nasty.. ho ho ho bitches.

 
At 1:16 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Enjoyed a lot! »

 
At 2:53 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Enjoyed a lot! » » »

 

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