Thursday, January 05, 2006

Old Lovas

"Back to you
It always comes around
Back to you
I try to forget you
I try to stay away
But it's too late"
--Back to You, John Mayer

I didn’t write much yesterday, because I had lots of scattery thoughts and I just haven’t prescribed to the “just rambling” posts yet. But I am still on my New Year’s kick. And how nothing is new, just renewed. Or maybe brought to the front…but not new. Recently, there have been a lot of people coming back into my life that I thought were gone in some capacity. Some are friends that I fell out with a long time ago. Some are people I used to date. Some of them read my blog (if so, shout outs to you). Some people I thought were gone in my life in a certain way, or people I thought I would never feel a certain way about again…and here I am. January 2006, mulling over feelings and situations with people I thought would/should be gone.

It’s hard for me to open up to people that I have cast out of my life. I have way more my allotted pride than any woman should have. I find myself listening to “Love is Stronger Than Pride,” by Sade not just for the haunting rhythm…but for the message. People and love come before pride. That’s a hard lesson. Especially now. However, I’ve learned that it’s easier to trust somebody when you know their flaws and deficiencies instead of somebody who you can’t predict their reaction. People say you never know somebody until you sleep with them. Well, I think you don’t know somebody until you show them your worst…the fact that you are clingy, needy, a cheater and can balance that with being a good person. Knowing faults are all a piece of the puzzle of knowing.

What is most fascinating is that after the fall outs, the drama and all of that, and there is nothing to lose, then the real honesty comes out. So the whole meeting someone and pretending to be a certain way bullshit is out the door, and the real cultivation begins. I say that when meeting new friends (regardless of sex) people should argue instantly, get all their frustrations and insecurities out the way and then just be friends. I guess that’s the pattern my life has been following, hence the reemergence of so many old lovers in my life.

It’s kind of refreshing, not having to learn somebody new. It’s kind of scary not knowing people’s intentions. But it’s where my life is leading me. I should be lucky that I have the opportunity to reintroduce myself to some people, apologize to others. It’s nice to be able to accept people, even when they are wrong, and have them do the same for me. My life has been like a soap opera...just when I think life is progressing, here comes somebody from years ago, looking the same, smelling the same, yet being forgiving and wanting to be back in my life.

Eric Roberson
has this song called “Please Don’t Leave Me” and he says it’s not about the person leaving, but the feeling. I am learning that you can have constant relationships with people, that despite their or your actions, the feelings just don’t change. I had somebody ask me, after I wrote the breakup post, does that shit really work. I think it does, because I made a judgment based on somebody’s behavior and not them as a person. The next girl will probably have a totally different experience with dude, so who am I to shit in his cereal? It just wasn’t good between he and I. I still love him. I still think he needs to grow up. When he does, I still don't think we should be together...but who knows what will happen.

People have been singing about it forever: everything must change, even the sun goes down, heroes eventually die, nothing’s ever promised tomorrow or today. Change is the only constant. Nothing, not even pain and hurt feelings are written in stone. They may be etched in memories, but it can be written over. So I can only offer the same kind of forgiveness and new chances that I would want someone to offer me.

Song For Today: Momentinlife, Musiq w/ Kindred and Cee-lo
"All I can do is reminisce cause there eyes no rewinding my life / But the futures so bright that its almost blinding my sight"

Mood For Today: Ready


At 10:36 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is a very interesting post. I think when people leave your life and suddenly reappear they are meant to be there. I do think what goes around comes around. In life everyone makes mistakes its just a matter of do we learn from them, do we sulk in them or do we move on. I tell you there is nothing like running into an old flame who looks good or changed since you last saw them it makes you think. I don't think if your ex has cheated on you should get back with them b/c I think once a cheater always a cheater. Facts are they are probably cheating on the person they cheated on you with as well. However I say if you wanna get back with an ol flame go head over time some people do grow up and change. Does anyone disagree or have comments?

At 10:50 AM, Blogger DM said...

People do grow up and change...but people do get older and stay the same too. So I guess you have to decide whether you really love somebody for them or you love them for what you want them to be. This applies to friends, lovers, ect.

My life goes through really distinct learning patterns, and this one is about recycling and forgiveness. Hopefully I pass the test and thanks for the advice!

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