Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Unfinished Business

It's just life, I solemnly swear
To change my approach, stop shavin coke
Stay away from hoes, put down the toast
Cause I be doin the most…oh no!
But every time I felt that was that, it called me right back
It called me right back, man it called me right back
Allure, Jay-Z

It’s a new year, but things just don’t feel new. I kind of blamed it on the commercialism of the holiday season, the fact that January doesn’t really symbolize anything new and the general idea that I’m older and these things just aren’t as significant. But then it hit me; things aren’t new because nothing is wrapped up, nothing is finished. January 1, 2006 brought with it the same troubles, joys and areas for growth that were in 2005.

I wanted to get everything new…a new writing journal, all new calendars and planner, a new corkboard to post my goals on. But why, when the last writing journal wasn’t full, the other planner still had important info for ’06 and I carry my goals around in my head all the time, so why spend money to post them somewhere I probably won’t even pay attention to?

I have goals for 2006. One of them is to work harder. Another, to write more. Exercise regularly, travel more, all of those good things that people always vow to do. I was reading my horoscope for the year, and it said that this is the year to improve my domestic situation, which at this time is pretty non-existent. Maybe I should set a goal to create more of a home for myself and whomever I may share it with in the future. This isn’t supposed to be a melancholy post, so I’ll keep things moving.

I’ve decided not to continue Hot Topics at Cove on Wednesdays. I just don’t have the time for that. I don’t complete the things I should, so to add on another responsibility is just crazy at this point.

I had plans to post all of the photos from this weekend…boy, did I kick it hard. But I didn’t feel like it, and when I checked my horoscope yesterday (I’m beginning to sound like a star junkie) it said to be still and do nothing. So that’s what I did.

My motto for 2006 is Living My Life Like It’s Golden. So many times I’ve treated myself and allowed others to treat me like aluminum, or tarnished silver and have put up with it. I have to subscribe to a standard of excellence…body, career, spirit, all of that. It won’t all happen in 2006, but it’s something to aspire to. I won’t hit gold every time, but I know now that I should strive for it, I didn’t before. It’s a standard to measure everything against: am I giving a golden performance? Is he/she giving me the best they can? Am I giving my all to all of my commitments? If I’m not, or can’t or am being lazy and choosing not to, then it’s time to do things over. And over and over until it becomes perfect.

There are things that I've expected out of people, that they just couldn't do. And for that, I'm sorry. That's like asking me to do advanced algebra with my English degree...I just can't do it. And for all the people who have needed things from me that I couldn't perform, what can I say. I can't be everything to everybody. I hope you forgive me.

I can’t rely on promises I make to myself, because those are the ones I fail at the most. So all I can do is try to do my best, and whoever I phuck over in the process, or if I phuck myself, I just have to live with that. One way to be golden is to tell people no. To do what I want to do, what is best for me, always. I’m about 70 percent doing what I want to do…30 percent of the time I’m doing things for people or making commitments I don’t want or shouldn’t be doing. Hopefully, by 2006 I’ll be shaving 10 more percentage points off of that number.

So I guess the only promises I can make is no more promises. I’m just going to allow myself to be a phuck up, be great in some areas and poor in others. But regardless to just be good to me. And have fun, and be serious and be audacious at times and at times be minute. Because as soon as I finish one thing, another is begging to be completed. So as cyclical as it may feel, it isn’t really. It’s just the life.