Thursday, March 30, 2006

Will It Ever Be Clean?!

You ever thought you lost something. Or someone. And at times when you think your life was once easier, less lonelier and more complete, you search and search for the thing that you thought once made it better. Maybe it’s in that stack of old pictures. Remember when people used to write letters? Maybe you left it there. And then, in a routine move, you find it…or it finds you. Have you ever been reintroduced to something you thought was gone forever? Did you expect it to be the same as before? And it’s difficult to be yourself, the shallow adult, the independent yet still flighty child that you’ve always been. And you didn’t even know it was you until you were confident enough to show it. Can you be yourself around lost items, lost people, who knew you when you were lost? Back when my life consisted of boys and bullshitting, it seemed like a good idea to carry around mini-handcuffs on my key chain. And this instant camera probably has photos on it that I don’t even want to see. Why be reminded of the person I hated being so much, the person who hoarded all of these stupid things and created all of these ill memories that I’m trying so hard to discard now?

The more and more I try to categorize my life, what to keep, what to work on and what to cast away, the more dirty it gets. The more shit I pull out to dissect, the more I wonder, if it will ever be clean again? Was it ever clean in the first place? When I was born, did my mom give me a bottle, an onesie and a box full of photos and knick-knacks that I could never get rid of? Rummaging through old hair curlers, homemade T-shirts and shoes, I wonder if this stuff is even mine. I don’t even remember bringing this in my house. And this sock has got to be my ex boyfriend’s. And I don’t even use this brand of condoms. I don’t even know the people in this picture. Why are there pretty pink and purple boxes with ribbons decorating the exterior, with nothing inside? Now the question is why I even have these things in the first place. They aren’t even mine. Why am I accepting other people’s stuff into my home? Why am I allowing people to stick their shit with me? I don’t have more room than anyone else. I’ve got my own shit to hoard.

The cleaning continues. And the deeper I get into it, the more I realize that this is more than just spring cleaning.

Going to: Starliner Diner tonight. It’s a Cuban fusion restaurant. Don’t know what that means, but I’ll find out this evening. Afterwards, I’m heading to Club 202 to see my friend Tone strum. His songwriting skills are quickly being realized by Columbus.

Song For Today: Hey Ya! by Andre 3000

Check out: The Urban Starr’s shout out to P.A. Flex as all of Columbus tries to help him win the John Lennon Songwriting Contest. Find something fun to do this weekend while you’re there!

3 Comments:

At 3:11 PM, Blogger Miz JJ said...

Man, it's so tough when you get in the nooks and crannies of all your shit. It's scary, but necessary. Once your done you'll only need to do maintenance.

 
At 5:21 PM, Blogger BBB_0202020 said...

I am happy that you are gettng your sprng clean , that cuban restaurant sounds tight, tell me about it later. argh...Off to class I go:(

 
At 7:29 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Very nice site! »

 

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