Thursday, April 06, 2006

Here's the Reality: Your Name Sucks!

First the Fugees gonna break up, Ike and Tina Turner split up and I get gotta wake up to more bullshit. Now granted I haven’t been into American Idol like I had been in the past, but I had to sit up this week and pay attention. Because the best singer in the competition, Mandisa, was kicked off last night.

In her favor, it was country night and the show seemed to be designing itself around not picking a soul singer this year (50s night, country night and Queen night next week?). Some people want to say it was her size that polarized voters, maybe her many mentions of religion. But I have another theory. She has a drag queen name.

Not a ghetto name, definitely a black name, utterly a drag queen name. I don’t know what Momma Mandisa was thinking when she named her daughter after a character in To Wong Foo. Mandisa already sounds like the name of some underwater mammal. And to be big boned, well it’s just not a good look. Nobody wants to hear the name Mandisa for the next 10 years, especially pairing it with no last name makes it seem like a seven foot tall man with red lips and sequins. Especially after fans nicknamed her Man-Diva. Come on…Man…Diva…drag queen.

The key to winning American Idol is to not get typecast into a diva. Because divas are sideshows, not pop princesses. Fantasia (another black name, not necessarily a bad name) (okay, it’s a bad name too, but all black names aren’t bad names) won because of her quirky personality. She sung a Queen song on big band night. She could sing anything, belting high notes, simmering on cool notes. Mandisa sung big like “It’s Raining Men” all the time. Nobody could see her being anything more than a big man diva singing gospel and thundering tones. That’s not pop music. She’s a great singer and will probably have a career full of gospel plays are in her future. But if she wants to be a pop star, she should change her name to Carmen or Jennifer…maybe develop a last name…and stop wearing all that damn weave! Look a little more natural and less like you’re hiding snausages in your pants.

And while we are on the topic of horrible names:



FURONDA, FURONDA FURONDA!

With a name like Furonda, you could look like Vanessa Williams and still be ugly. Because Furonda has a name like Furonda it makes her uglier that she already is. Guys, imagine if you will:

You’re boy has a pretty girlfriend who wants to set you up on a blind date. You ask what she looks like (of course). She says, long hair, very tall, hey, she was on America’s Next Top Model. You instantly stiffen up at the possibility of crushing lemons with a girl who touched Tyra Banks. Then you ask, well, what’s her name. FURONDA. You get softer than bread dough. Fantasy’s over. To be fair to Furonda, here's a picture of her that she doesn't look so much like a space alient ant....

Some things Furonda sounds like besides America's Next Top Model:
1. A mushroom (Are those shitakes or Furondas?)
2. LaFawnduh’s little sister
3. A porch or balcony (I’m gonna go sit on the Furonda)
4. A hooptie (Girl, he drives a Ford Furonda)
5. An ointment (Just put some Furonda on it, that should clear that up)
6. An African country (Hotel Furonda)

9 Comments:

At 10:00 AM, Blogger GC (God's Child) said...

You pulled out all the stops today and cracked me the hell up.
My favorite was
4. A hooptie (Girl, he drives a Ford Furonda).


BTW, in defense of Mommy Mandisa, Mandisa is an Egyptian name that means "sweet". And I have to stand up for Mommy Furonda too. Foronda (I know it's spelled differently) is a Spanish surname.

Yeah, I had to. I think if we went to school together you would have made fun of my name too.

 
At 10:13 AM, Blogger DM said...

I think the name Mandisa, coupled with all the other over-the-topness was just excess, excess,excess. But then again, I don't know if I can imagine a subdued Mandisa that I wouldn't look at sideways.

Nothing justifies Furonda...sorry!

 
At 10:20 AM, Blogger BBB_0202020 said...

You know how i feel about Furonda!!aarrgghh!!

 
At 11:29 AM, Blogger Miz JJ said...

Mandisa had a good run, but I knew they weren't gong to pick her to be the next American Idol.

Furonda is a really bad name. I like the mushrooms. Can i get my pasta with some Furonda mushrooms? Hee.

 
At 12:38 PM, Blogger  said...

lol!!! that post was so funny! furonda's name makes me sick every time someone says it. and DAMN don't they airbrush the hell out of her!

 
At 5:35 PM, Blogger Paula D. said...

Hilarious post! I was mad that Mandisa got voted off AI. Oh, I hate to hear Furonda talk...

 
At 8:45 PM, Blogger dabeatmaker said...

Ha ha, you should be on Comic View or something with those Furonda comments!!

I think I used to drive a Ford Furonda back in the day.

F.C.

 
At 4:50 PM, Anonymous Yolanda said...

Thanx for the laugh of the day!!! Those Furonda jokes were it! l loved it! But I too was mad that Mandisa was vote off, I dunno if I really like the sound of anyone else's voice enough to keep watching. I mean the reason I watched was to see if we were gonna have another heavy-set soul singer as an "Idol" again.

 
At 1:25 AM, Blogger GoddessNoir said...

I'm gonna go sit on the Furonda, that is too funny, you are nuts.

 

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