Monday, May 22, 2006

Mama's Gun

I am declaring a state of emergency. Time and time again, I must remind people the The Pink Ghetto isn’t a gossip rag. And lots of people should be glad it isn’t. However, I have some friends that are in a pretty bad situation. So, I’m glad I made the decision to expedite my Ultimate Guide to Boys Rules. I just can’t stand to see my pretty, intelligent and worthy girl friends fall victim to scrubs.

Another emergency: Memorial Day is coming up, I’m on a virgin tight budget and I need some new clothes! I’ve lost a good 20 plus pounds, and my good friend PTosh has pointed out that I have the saggy booty syndrome (SBS). This is when your pants are too big and the material kind of hangs there. I mean, I was never Buffie the Body to begin with. But it’s time to get some tighter gear.

Being the fabulously fiscal chic I am, I am on a mission with $50 to find something hot for Saturday night, the Cove’s Anniversary Invite-Only Affair and Sunday night’s special installment of Mahogany’s Soul at the Brownstone. I’m open to any suggestions, but at this point one of these nights will consist of the wife beater and jeans with mad accessories combo.

Onto the rules!

Rule 6: My Type
All women should only like one type of boy. The intelligent, responsible, charming and stable ones. Other stuff is just extra toppings. If you have a list of qualities in a boy, and those four things aren’t on the top…you aren’t serious about wanting a committed relationship.

Sure, I like personal style, wit, aggressiveness and creativity. But those four things above trump all of that. Who needs a boy who dresses like Pharrell but can’t balance a budget? Who needs a boy who’s ultra cute, but can’t keep a job? This is not about money, it’s about character.

There are tons of human characteristics that are attractive. I like boys with interesting hair, who are into art and can match me on current events. But those things are just elements of attraction. Ultimately, every woman wants someone who is smart, handles their business, who will find ways to make her feel special and can provide something constant in a world full of chaos.

Rule 7: Pussy Control
Don’t ever try to out-fuck another woman. Your vagina is not special. It feels like any other vagina out there. If your stance on getting a boy is that your pussy is better than someone else’s, you are stupid. Boys love stupid girls like you…you make unattached, freaky sex easy for them.

Sure, you can be the best fucker on this side of the Mississippi…but that’s not going to make boys want you any more. They’ll just hear about how freaky you are and want to experience it for themselves…but they won’t want you. Don’t ever let a boy tell you that you are special because your sex is better than someone else he is having sex with, or had sex with. If you said that to him, he would punch you in the face and you would deserve it.

Your pussy is powerful…but it won’t keep any man around. Neither will your cooking, the way you braid your hair, your big ole booty, your money or resources. The only thing that keeps men committed is their willingness to commit…anything else and you’re just spinning your wheels.

Rule 8: No Scrubs
T-Boz, Left Eye and Chili hit the nail on the head with this one. I don’t care what ANY boy has to say about this. If you are entertaining a fellow who doesn’t have the equivalent of what you have or the drive and potential to get it, you should cease seeing him immediately.

It’s one thing if a boy is a struggling entrepreneur who can’t take you to the Miranova every damn Friday. You’re not stuck up, so that shouldn’t matter. It’s another thing if this boy is over 25 years old and doesn’t receive an easily identifiable tax-deducted paycheck. Once again, this isn’t about money, it’s about character. This isn’t about homeboy who doesn’t have a car and is trying to make ends meet. This is about a boy who doesn’t see the importance of being responsible.

Because being a fabulously, fly girl, you wouldn’t dream of stepping out on your kids (if you have them) or living off of someone else’s spoils in order to sit at home and watch 106 &Park all day. So why entertain a boy who does the same?

This rule is simple. No scrubs, no exceptions:

“If you don’t have a car and you’re walking”

“If you live at home with your momma”

“If you have a shorty that you don’t show love”

“You want to get with me with no money”

You are a scrub. You are not Whitney Houston or Hoopz, breeze by scrubs.

Song For Today: Priest or Police by Van Hunt. This song is so clever, I swear Van Hunt is trying to impregnate me via sound waves.


At 12:33 PM, Blogger Slow Metamorphosis said...

My funky fashion on a budget place is - and don't laugh - Target. They have cute tops and funky suits for work at cheapie prices. I also like Old Navy and H&M - those places are winners! but then again you can also go and buy one of my shirts and help a sister out. lol.
Girl the Pussy power thing hit the nail on the head and this post is so dead on you have me nodding my head and saying YUP YUP YUP. Perhaps I should point some people over to your blog to say what I have been saying along but they havent heard....

At 4:25 PM, Blogger Paula D. said...

You are so crazy! I am really laughing about that pussy control! You are sooooo on point about that one. A guy will either like what I'm all about, or move on to a skank(s) that likes to put out.

At 5:05 PM, Blogger Cheetarah1980 said...

H&M is that spot! I'd suggest going there. Also try some outlets. They often have sales so you can designer stuff on the cheap.

Onto the rules. I concur. But who would date a dude like that in the first place. Maybe I'm just a snob.

At 7:51 AM, Blogger The Stiltwalker said...

yes ma'am you are soooo right. Each of your 'lessons' were on point. I just can't deal with a dude who is contstantly trying to come up. And I find that since I've seemingly come up myself, either dudes know they don't have a chance or they assume I'm going to be their chance, hence break bread. Sheeeet. That almost makes me wanna throw up. I can't stand a needy man. I like spending money too much to be with somebody broke and waiting on a rap dream....uuuuuugh.....

Oh and if I were you, I'd take the cash and spend it on a nice pair of heels. You can just throw on some jeans and a white tshirt (or blk), borrow some jewelry and a big huge bag if needed, and rock the hell outta some nice shoes. Fuck the rest of the will do it, every time. (But no busted up toes please)

At 8:06 AM, Anonymous kiesha said...

Very interesting read! I totally agree those rules...and the last post too.

At 9:07 AM, Blogger Torrance Stephens bka All-Mi-T said...

that sounds like a vagina race to me lol who will win.

At 9:47 AM, Blogger BBB_0202020 said...

I love it, I love it...This post is crazy1 You hit the nail on the head about pussy...I dont think you can make a man do anything he doesnt want to do...It's just not or some men like to feel ike they are in control of theirpaths in life and you p-popping on a onstand isnt going to make them love you...or stay because there is always a girl that p-pops a little bit better than you!! lmao!

At 8:58 PM, Blogger GoddessNoir said...

You are not Whitney Houston or Hoopz, breeze by scrubs.

That line is PRICELESS.

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