Monday, June 19, 2006

I ♥ Rules!

Rule 21: Sexuality and Marital Status

Don’t ever date a boy whose sexual preference and marital status is in question. You should be very clear that you are dating a heterosexual, single boy. Unfortunately, this rule is not obvious.

Finding out whether a boy is married should be as simple as an Internet search. However, if you don’t have access to a computer, there are some clues that you should look out for.

1. He never takes you back to his place.

2. If he does to you to his place, it looks like a Miami Vice bachelor pad with no photos (this is his hoe lair).

3. He doesn’t introduce you to any of his friends.

4. If he does introduce you to his friends, they are married and with similar gullible-looking random chicks like yourself.

5. He’s a trick (meaning he buys you stuff and takes you expensive, obscure places). I always assume that any man who is a trick is married.

6. He always suggests sex in crazy places (in his car, outside the restaurant, in a park) because his wife would never do that, and he probably doesn’t have a place for you to have sex at.

Don’t look for rings and stuff like that. Any real player will have those things covered up. Basically, someone not willing to be public with you is not worth your time.

As far as gay men, the flaming effeminate ones are not the ones you should worry about, unless you are Star Jones or Terry McMillan. The guys you should be concerned about are the seemingly upstanding and honest ones who, when you aren’t around, get more butt than ashtrays.

Once again, though it should be simple when a boy is into other boys, some women miss all of the obvious signs.

A boy is gay if:

1. He has more than a reasonable amount of lubrication in his possession. Some boys like the extra slip and slide of lube, and some girls need it. So in the bedroom anything goes. But if your boy carries lube with him in his wallet, in his car, in every room of his house, and won’t have sex without it, the gat dammit he’s gay.

2. He’s more sexy that you. This means, if he has more baby hair than you, more shoes and clothes and poses for pictures better than you. If he owns makeup of any kind, and puts anything on his lips besides Carmex, he's gay. You must know the difference between a boy who wants to take care of himself and gay. If he gets pedicures and invests in lotions and soaps, he is taking care of himself. If he waxes his eyebrows and polishes his nails, he is gay. I believe that women are often more physically sexy than boys…if a boy has too much cleavage showing, then he’s gay. (see: Kanye West)

3. Most importantly, if you’re boy wants anal sex more than 40 percent of the time you have sex, he is gay. Anal sex is a lot like birthday cake…if you have it every once in a while, it’s a treat. If you have it everyday, it kinda loses it’s meaning. Forty percent is high, and everything over that suggests that your boy enjoys anus more than vagina…that inherently is gay.

I suggest that women know at least one gay boy, not for the sake of shopping and finger nail polish, but to check up on boys that you date. Dating married and gay boys is not only embarrassing, but detrimental to your health. It’s know telling what a raging wife or pissed off gay boy would do if they found out you were sleeping with their man!

Rule 22: Kissing Boys and Boys Kissing You
You should never kiss a boy you just met in the club. Never. If you or any of your girls kiss boys they just meet in the club, you must question your ability to be openly intimate with people they don’t know. That’s just not safe.

You should always kiss a boy before, after and during sex. Some boys say they don’t like kissing…those are the same ones with intimacy issues.

Always require oral sex from boys you are having sex with. This is not debatable. Just like you should be giving oral sex to him.

If you are uncomfortable with any part of intimacy with a boy, or a boy is uncomfortable with you, neither of you should be having sex with each other.

Bonus Rule: This one is from my dad, given to me yesterday as I was ignoring a phone call from one of my exes:

Donna: Oh, that was just (boy that I used to date that I talk to occasionally).

My Dad: He sure does call you a lot, you must be seeing him again?

Donna: No, he knows the deal, we’re just friends.

My Dad: Men don’t have friends, they just have women that they want to sleep with or they want to sleep with again.

Donna: Well, he knows nothing is going on with me and him, so we are just friends.

My Dad: One day you are going to listen to your dad. I don’t have a women friends. So (boy that I used to date that I talk to occasionally) either is trying to sleep with you or wants to sleep with you again.

Donna: So any boy that I talk to is either trying to sleep with me or you assume I have slept with?

My Dad: Yes.

Donna: Daddy, you are walking the line like Johnny Cash.

Song For Today: Daydreamin' by Aretha Franklin

8 Comments:

At 11:00 AM, Blogger BBB_0202020 said...

I think you need a radio show so that people can call in and discuss these topics...this is funny...now gotta go back and post to all the ones i have missed.

 
At 4:01 PM, Blogger Diggz said...

Wow...some were funny, others were more true than funny...but a good read nonetheless. Something about the whole lean/rock and dudes just doesn't sit right w/ me. What's the rules on that PinkG??

 
At 6:27 PM, Blogger princessdominique said...

*lol* @ hoe lair!!!

 
At 2:50 PM, Blogger The Stiltwalker said...

I can honestly say I've never had a platonic friend. THey seem to always let me know up front that they want to get in my crotch. Whether it happens or not...

 
At 6:04 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

So no dating married men but what about strictly having sex with them? I'm just saying:)

 
At 6:07 PM, Blogger Paula D. said...

You are too funny!

 
At 6:15 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

saw you at the cove the other night.. you looking good girl

 
At 8:25 AM, Blogger Slow Metamorphosis said...

I think I am gonna have to agree with your dad. Women ar capable of being friends with a guy but they dont see it as quite that way....if they get an opening they are gonna try and slide in

 

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