Thursday, June 08, 2006

Rules, Sucka!
I’m at work this morning, listening to VH1 Radio because I'm concerned that I’ve run a groove in my Van Hunt and John Mayer CDs. And what song comes on the radio? I Like by Guy! Oh shit, the next song is When I Think of You by baby-fat Janet Jackson! Working in the ultra-conservative environment that I do, it’s hard for me to withhold my excitement. My first reaction is to start doing the Cabbage Patch and the Roger Rabbit down the hallway. That would have been extremely Afro-American of me.

That intro had nothing to do with this fresh crop of Rules, by the way…

Rule 18: Lying to Boys
Don’t lie to boys. Be yourself. Tell the truth. If they don’t like it, phuck them. There are plenty of boys to talk to.

Don’t lie about your expectations. If you want to wait nine months before you have sex with somebody, then do that. If you only like lawyers, doctors, etc., then only date them. And don’t compromise your personal rules and guidelines. You’re the only person who will end up unhappy.

Don’t lie about dating other boys. The boys I date know I date other boys. They don’t know explicit detail or names, but they all know I’m exploring my options before I decide to commit.

Don’t tailor yourself to fit any boy’s idea. If you really don’t like a boy’s without a steady gig, don’t date boys without steady gigs. If you really don’t like boys with children, don’t date boys with children. Don’t say you love football when you’ve never seen a game. Tell him the truth! You may learn to love sports in the process.

If you are stuck up and prissy, own up to that. Be genuine in your prissiness. Be who you are and know that anyone not attracted to that is just a waste of time.

Rule 19: Random Chicks (Random Boys)
If you are adhering to the standards that you are accustomed to, you have probably landed yourself a pretty hot boy, or are in serious negotiations on landing yourself a pretty hot boy. Shit, even if you are swooning over the local loser, someone besides yourself will probably think your boy is hot.

There is a sub-category of women in the dating arena. They are called random chicks. A random chick is a girl who feverishly pursues other women’s boys. They make public displays of their freakdom in clubs, on MySpace pages, in any situation where they want people to know that they will phuck your boy.

Random chicks can be intimidating. Some of them are really pretty. They seem to be everywhere, not just clubs and bars, but churches, gas stations, Radio Shack, anywhere that hot boys may be. They are always pawing all over your hot boy or making it ultra obvious that they want him in ways that will shame your momma.

So here’s how you handle a random chick.

Like I said before, the only way to “keep a man” is to find one who wants to commit to you. Fortunately for you, you understand that and random chicks don’t. If you are dealing with a boy whose head is easily turned by skanks, let the random chicks have him. He is a random boy.

If you are dealing with an upstanding boy, whose flesh may be weak, there are a couple things you can do to ward off random chicks.

Befriend them. Keeping your friends close and your enemies closer is one way to get inside the chick’s head so that you can plan an appropriate offense. I don’t suggest inviting her over or going places with her. I do suggest casual conversation that eventually leads to questions about her past and attitudes toward men. Find out who else she’s sleeping with, her views toward casual sex and her pick up game (see rule below). Don’t let her know anything about your man and your relationship. Many random chicks are so caught up in their own sexy selves that they may not be astute enough to ask you for details about your life anyways. After you gain all the information you need from her, discard her immediately.

Hang With Your Man. I know some girls that never go to the clubs, bars, kick it spots, wherever that their boy frequents. That’s just dumb. That girl has no idea of the random chicks lurking where he is. Next time your man goes to the BW3, tell him you and your girls may stop by. Come in, chat a sec and find another table to sit at…and watch the other women who watch him. Now, I know this seems borderline stalkerish, but you must understand that boys don’t always keep their priorities in line when a beautiful woman starts giving them attention. Don’t do anything or say anything to the chicks unless you can find a seamless conversation starter (hair, clothes, shoes (all of this, by the way may be tacky on a random chick, because they are random)), but don’t make yourself too obvious. Make sure the chick can identify you, then approach your man again. This will let the random chick know what’s what.

Always have a general knowledge of or at least be able to identify the women who think your boy is attractive. Ultimately, the fact that you are confident, sexy, knowlegable and have a definite plan and purpose will keep an upstanding boy interested in you. You don’t have to compete with or outsexy a random chick. Don’t worry too much about them, just be aware of their presence If they can’t bang your boy, they’ll move on to someone else.

Song of reference: Sisters and Bitches by Jay-Z

Rule 20: Pick Up Game
Don’t ever ever ever ever (think Chris Tucker) take another woman’s boy. That is a cardinal sin in the sisterhood arena. Don't ever pride yourself in the fact that you can or would take someone else's boy. The term “taking” includes: sleeping with, emotional bonding with, or fraternizing with a boy who is currently in a relationship or continuing conversation with someone who he was recently in a relationship with.

Any boy looking to form a serious relationship with a new girl will make sure he is free from the emotional baggage of a previous relationship. Any other arrangement and you are rebound pussy.

Any boy who can justify cheating on his current woman for you is a loser. He will do the same thing to you. He will probably tell you how much of a better woman you are than his current flame. At this point, you should lay out your standards of dating and ask that he adhere to those. If he cannot, he isn’t serious about being with you.

Ultimately, your concern should be the other woman. You should never do anything in someone else’s relationship that you don’t want done to you. Also see: Rule 7:Pussy Control

Song of reference: Booty by Erykah Badu

Song For Today: Come Close To Me by Common featuring Mary. J Blige


At 10:30 AM, Blogger Miz JJ said...

I love the video for Come Close with Common and Mary J. Love it.

Your rules are definitely on point.

At 11:37 AM, Blogger Ms. Pretty Green Eyes said...

Rule 20: Exactly. Never try to get him to leave his girl for you. Only sleep with him. Damn Gina. I am a random chick. I must change my ways.

At 1:04 AM, Blogger mocha_grl said...

Loved these rules! Especially the lying to boys. I hate hearing a woman tryna sound like what she thinks a dude will like.

At 8:54 PM, Blogger GoddessNoir said...

Donna, you should write a book. If only all girls knew these rules.


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