Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Finals Week

You ever show up to class, and your professor surprise you with a pop quiz. Did you remember to bring extra number two pencils? Do you always have your notes handy? Do you always remember to practice with homework?

Well this week, not even knowing I was in class, I was challenged in several areas of my life. There were no notes. There were no friends to cheat off of. Just me and trying to figure out what my reaction would be to some of lifes most stressful situations.

My grandmother died Sunday. And though this was no surprise to the family, it was a shock to my emotions. I went through a range of emotions, out of the order that Im supposed to experience. Acceptance was first, then fear, then all of the bad things I ever thought about my grandmother swirled around my head like an unflushed toilet. Guilt for not knowing her better. Guilt for not being entirely upfront. Guilt from keeping the real, adult version me a secret from her. Then the idea of death, of completion. One day, I told myself, I will be done with life. What Im doing nowthis is it. That person I walked past on the street, I may have left the only impression I had a chance to make.

Who knows what time table we have. Who knows when Ill be making these arrangements for my own parents, maybe ever my sister, or my spouse. Or my kids. Fuck the way I reacted, how am I supposed to react? What are the answers on this exam that I stepped into? Are the mistakes I made really mistakes, or are they the way things were supposed to happen?

Life is no Choose Your Own Adventure book. We cannot preview corridors or decisions by flipping days like pages. Lifes pencils have no erasures. The only thing we can do is color in the dots with our choices and hope we dont end up with Fs at the end. So far his week, either Ive passed this test with flying colors, or Ive failed miserably. Either way, I sit a little taller, feel a little older and am proud that I used wisdom instead of textbook knowledge to make decisions.

Song For Today: Save Us by Raphael Saadiq


At 2:44 PM, Blogger Miz JJ said...

Sorry for your loss. I went through the same thing last year with my grandmother. I felt bad that I never really made an effort to reach out to her and get to know her better, but my father asked me to write her eulogy and I learned so much about her.

At 3:19 PM, Blogger Slow Metamorphosis said...

I want to send my condolences to you and your family. Death is's so final and there are always going to be a range of emotions.It doenst matter what I say right now because your grief will have to take its natural course. So I will pray for you to find peace.

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